Miscarriage, is it my fault?
Miscarriage is a loss of the ability to have a baby. Based on the CDC Statistics, fifty percent of women experience this or stillbirth in the U.S. Some women may feel total relief from this event. Nevertheless, it is still a loss for the majority of us.
When this hit my life, I was already a mother of two. I was not planning to have another child in this situation, but the universe got another plan.
When I got a positive pregnancy stick test and blood test, I was excited about this new gift! I believe that children are the flowers of our life, and they make it truly meaningful, colorful, and impactful!
I was in my late thirtieth. I felt confident about the pregnancy and excited about the childbirth with all the knowledge of my ages. First few weeks, I felt sleepy. It was irritating me because I could not get the work done as fast as I used to. I started paying more attention to my diet and physical movements. I knew that having strong legs and a back was the key to getting through the pregnancy. Therefore, I decided that long walks could be a perfect solution.
I took a long walk with my partner on one Friday evening, about 10 miles. We were laughing, sharing our dreams, and telling stories. It felt beautiful to realize that this experience built an even deeper connection. I could not get my head to focus on the job. My attention shifted to the pregnancy pictures, baby names, and my partner. The funny fact is that because of the all hormonal changes in my body, I felt happy for no apparent reason every single day.
On Mother’s Day, I introduced my partner to my mother. We went to the restaurant to celebrate. It was another great way to build a deeper bond in the family. We did not tell her about the pregnancy because I thought we needed to meet with her again. Little did I know, right before we left the restaurant, I went to the restroom and felt the drop of the small “ball” from my body. I started bleeding.
On the thirteenth week of pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. I remember my partner smiling after a great conversation with my mother and getting into the car to hear the news from me. I did not know how to look at my partners’ eyes. I felt ashamed, hopeless, and useless. I felt like I killed his hopes, dreams, and wishes forever. I was sure that he would pack and leave me right away. I was crying uncontrollably and kept on saying I had lost our blueberry. It was the approximate size of our baby at that time.
I was heavily bleeding for seven days and lightly for another three days. I did not want to leave my pillow, and I was just ready when my partner would break up with me. I felt that it was all my fault. I was sure that it happened because of my choices in diet, because of that long walk, because of me feeling irritated about the job, drinking tea, not drinking enough water, and many other reasons that I could search up on the internet.
Meanwhile, I was bitting myself up for the miscarriage; my partner kept on rubbing my back and cuddling. He was cooking for me and making sure I got all the care and attention that I needed at that time. It is no surprise that I did not see his love and attention because my mind was drowning in self-pity and fear and searching for another reason I had this miscarriage.
In fact, he was not thinking about breaking up with me. He just wanted to help me and make sure I recovered fast. He actually felt that it was all his fault, that he did not take that proper care of me. It was easy for me to get into the trap of fear, shame, guilt, and self-pity. Have you noticed that we pay attention only to the details that support these feelings in this state of mind? And turn blind to the facts of love, care, and self-worth.
I want you to know that miscarriage in the thirtieth is very common and, in some ways, normal. Please pay attention to your feelings and communicate them to your partner. Communicate with your doctor and ask for help! Miscarriage is not your fault!!!
And if you know someone who recently had a miscarriage, remind them that Doctor. Google does not know anything and full of disinformation!
Here are the free resources in the U.S. where women in this situation able to find help:
Life is full of surprises!
Keep on staying curious with a loving heart!
After our relationship survived this and another miscarriage, my partner and I got married, and we were in peace with the fact that we may never have a child together. He is a great step-father to my two kids.
Suddenly, we found out that I had gotten pregnant during the lockdown. It was terrifying news for both of us because we thought it might be another miscarriage soon. We both were expecting that something could go wrong any day.
The universe granted us a gift of a child! We treasure every day with our baby.
I hope you find your joy and happiness!
I wish you love and blessings!
